Thursday, October 8, 2015

The Mormon Enquirer

       Every so often I'll check the news and see what's going on in the worldwide church. Sites like Mormon Newsroom and publications like the Mormon Times carry lots of good Mormon news stories, but I have to admit sometimes I'm a little disappointed with the lack of diversity in LDS news. Mormon news sources all seem to provide nothing but straightforward headlines followed by accurate stories. Sometimes I wish we had Mormon news outlets that were a little more...interesting. Straightforward church news is good, but sometimes you want something juicier...something more gutsy...something that would really get people talking. Sure, the Mormon community has lots of nice, informative publications, but you know what it doesn't have a lot of? Cheap, misleading tabloids! So, seeing this gaping hole in our market, I have single-handedly moved to fill this great need (you're welcome). Provo Mormon Dude now brings you the very first issue of The Mormon Enquirer: the Most (un)Trustworthy Source for Mormon News. Here are the week's top stories...

By Jim Shorts

BOSTON, MASS. - After two unsuccessful bids for the White House, former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney announced Tuesday that he will be campaigning for the position of Canadian prime minister. "I've always believed no one can keep you from achieving your dreams, no matter how many people vote against you," governor Romney said Tuesday. "My dream has been to sit in the oval office, and as Canada's prime minister, I will be able to visit the White House and sit in that very office. Sure, I'll be seated on a sofa instead of at the president's desk...but I guess I'll take what I can get." 

Asked whether his critics are right in saying this move is un-American, governor Romney said no. "Canada is a North American colony under the control of the Great Britain," Romney said. "That's exactly how the US started off! The way I see it, I'm getting back to America's roots."

Governor Romney is well-equipped for the position, having learned French on his LDS mission and having resided in a cold northern climate for many years now. Mormons everywhere wish governor Romney luck as he embarks on his new campaign. No word yet on whether governor Romney has been informed that prime ministers are appointed, not elected.

By Dan D. Lyon

WELLINGTON, NEW ZEALAND - After several weeks of  missionary discussions, acclaimed filmmaker Peter Jackson announced he will be making a film adaptation of the Book of Mormon for New Line Cinema. Jackson, who will be baptized this Saturday, secured the rights to make a series of Book of Mormon films immediately after reading the book for the first time. 

Casting for the first film has already begun, with Ian McKellen cast as Lehi, Cate Blanchett as Sariah, Benedict Cumberbatch as Laman, Sean Bean as Lemuel, Sean Astin as Sam, and Elijah Wood as Nephi. Andy Serkis will play Zoram, a character that will be created entirely through computer animation. The first film, "The Fellowship of the Brass Plates," is scheduled for release in 2017. 

But what excites Jackson the most about the Book of Mormon project are the many sequels he has planned. The Book of Enos alone will be released as a trilogy, with six-hour extended editions planned for each movie in the series. The final Book of Mormon film, "The Battle of the Two Armies," will be released sometime in the year 2040.

By Eileen Dover

SALT LAKE CITY - The church music department recently announced the release of a new edition of the LDS hymnbook, which will be updated for a 21st century audience. "We're very pleased with this new hymnal," said the church's official spokesperson. "We believe this new edition will make music relatable for a new generation of members, particularly the youth." What may surprise latter-day saints most is the inclusion of several popular songs, including dance tune "Watch Me (Whip and Nae Nae)," Beyoncé's "Love on Top," and "Can't Feel My Face" by the Weeknd. 

The Church not only included existing hits, but commissioned several artists to write original songs for the book, as well. Justin Timberlake composed the new hymn "Bringin' Spiritual Back," and Beyoncé provided the song "All the Single Sisters in Zion," which is sure to be a Relief Society favorite for years to come. It is hoped that the new additions will make church music more accessible, keep more members awake during sacrament meetings, and serve as a missionary tool for those brothers and sisters who are hip to a funkier jive. 

By Jay Walker
PROVO - With its ever-expanding catalog of successful shows, it's no surprise that BYUtv is releasing what is sure to be another dynamite program. In a surprising turn of events, MTV has granted BYUtv the rights to make its own version of the hit show "Cribs." Unlike the MTV version of the program, which featured tours of celebrity houses, BYU's version will instead be about actual cribs. The show will take viewers on a tour of the nation's coolest cribs, bassinets, and cradles and let them meet the babies who live there. You can catch the new show Wednesdays at 7 pm on BYUtv.

       This has been the Mormon Enquirer. Be sure to check out our next issue, which will feature an exclusive interview with the Three Nephites, who were recently found hitchhiking near St. George. What they had to say about food storage will shock you! See you next issue.

Disclaimer: The above stories do not represent real events. Provo Mormon Dude and The Mormon Inquirer do not claim to be a legitimate news source. None of the above stories should be treated as actual news or portrayed as such in other sources. Any resemblance, either real or implied, between the above stories and actual persons or events is either coincidental or satirical in nature. So, once again, these stories are not real. Seriously, they're not. None of them. Not even this disclaimer is real. It's like those legal statuses people put on their Facebook pages. It's not legally binding, but people put it up anyway, either because they think it really is legally binding or because they need that sense of false security. Or maybe it's because they think their Facebook statuses are so brilliant someone is going to try and steal them and make a fortune. Where was I? Oh, yeah. None of those stories up there are real. Like, not at all. If you go around telling people this stuff like it's actual news eventually they'll probably google it and be like "Hey, that thing you told me was totally bogus. What the heck, man?" Then you'll feel really silly and wish you had realized that every story in this post was a joke. Are you seriously still reading this? Wow. You're real thorough. You'd probably make a good lawyer. Maybe you should look into that. The average US lawyer makes an average of two billion dollars a year, after all. Is that true? Of course not! I made it up just like everything else in this post. This disclaimer will self-destruct in ten seconds.